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Nov. 5th, 2009 @ 11:11 pm
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Aug. 24th, 2009 @ 10:11 am
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Can puke blood already....why this old man wants to sue and sue and sue! Give it up and go home....then I don't need to handle so many pieces of paper from all over the years. I've been haunted by this since Day One, so if he changes his mind at the next meeting I think I shall bludgeon somebody to death.
Hanahana that's what interns are for, right? To work with meddlesome people. Anyway right now I feel like procrastinating and umm, being a general prick. Puke blood!
And and in two weeks time - oh wait, EXACTLY two weeks' time - I shall be back in Philly. Oh dear. Maybe I start studying for LSAT la huh. There's this job which I need to start applying for. I suppose I ought to start sucking up to people here for it. I suppose I need to commence more consciuos sucking-up to people in general, faculty in particular. But it doesn't really make sense, see, becasue in order to suck up I have to be interested in English as the academic subject, but how to effuse enthusiasm when inside I'm convinced of its inefficacy (with...the world? With changing anything?)? So I don't understand recommendations at all, unless it's to state that I am basic pleasure to be around, full of wit and sunshiney happiness. But my dog could tell you that.
(Not that I have one, of course.)
Who knows where we're going from here? Regardless, I'm thankful for this summer. Regardless of having to put up with diva attitudes and regardless of myself putting in shit work, because I'm only pretending to be a law student. Regardless of horribly borink people, who are in reality few and far between (but more so found within our generation). Regardless of having to Wake Up Early. On the last I should like to Keep Up This Habit, because it's an amazing one to have, and really I feel like the day hasn't been eviscerated in the squishiness of my nice warm bed. So I like that very much. The only problem is I haven't been thinking much, but gray matter must be preserved for campus anyway.
Okay okay back to work, now. Do I hate this Management Corporation Strata etc-shit...hope everybardy is having a blast, however! Further from here, I shall proceed to fornication with photocopy machine. |
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but all I have wanted to say is that I just want them to be happy, in this life and the next.
not much has been happening in my life, in the way you would want to hear about...I have been engrossed in the things of this world, but careful to spend the last few minutes of each day with Him. And yet I think I have not been faithful enough, if faith means letting Him take over your words your thoughts your actions. Necessarily, I tell myself, one must do Other Things; this is as much a cop-out as a necessity. I have no intention of being a professional preacher of the gospel, right? I wish He'd call me to where I should be.
In the news regarding these material things, these day-to-day, I must confess that I am happy where I am; no, deliriously happy where I am, although not everything is perfect. I am encountering so much foreign stuff each day, that I don't really care about going back to school. I am encountering all these wonderful people, who will make me very sad to leave Singapore. |
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Jul. 9th, 2009 @ 08:02 am
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I watched 'Transformers' some nights ago. For all those who have, Roger Ebert says it best:
http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20090623/REVIEWS/906239997
Quote: 'The first American review, Todd Gilchrist of Cinematical, reported that Bay's "ambition runs a mile long and an inch deep," but, in a spirited defense, says "this must be the most movie I have ever experienced." He is bullish on the box office: it "feels destined to be the biggest movie of all time." It’s certainly the biggest something of all time.' |
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Jul. 6th, 2009 @ 11:05 pm
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you want so desperately to cut off a part of yourself but you can't, you can't
i've gone from the penn bubble into a different one entirely, one where liquid trappings drip down, and it burns
and i try to use the stuff of my old walls, but no one thing will fit the other
and nobody said it was going to be easy. it's about what i imagined it would be:
no heads, no tails, no beginning, no end. i am not the sort to feel self-entitlement about birthdays, but this sucks. |
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Home is where the heart is, even though I kinda miss being in Philly! I love my new room, even though it feels like I'm living in an ice cube when the walls and the ceiling (and the floor too, to some extent) are made of reflective material. Is perfect for maggoting, although I doubt I'll be spending much time inside. There is much stuff to be moved, much algae to be cleaned, etc etc.
Also, all of a sudden I have many neighbours (I am home, and therefore use home spelling). And am living opposite a petrol station, so if someone uses their handphone everything will blow up, and I will too (or is that a myth?).
And my mother thinks that Adam and Eve were incestuous. Nice.
This afternoon I tried reading a bit of Paul Bowles' short stories, before I fell asleep. It was mostly weird. I have realized, I need a nice christian library...or at least, new books.
I don't know man, this lifestyle is very - how shall I put it? Backtonormal; I guess the best way to say it is that all things are back to the way they were, the midnight violin and the crystals and the awful-awful Saturday afternoon porridge. Different location, same life. I think what must have scared some people is the idea of stagnantation, because the "Singapore life" is, I've found, very clearly defined. I don't know, I think it's the humidity or the startling familiarity which makes me feel, I need to go out.
Jul. 5th, 2009 @ 01:44 am
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I just heard this song today...is pretty amazing...apologies if you've heard it before. I think it was popular in, what, 2005?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuK2A1ZqoWs
Jun. 30th, 2009 @ 01:11 pm
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Don't look don't ask shh shh shhh
I think both of us agree that unhappiness is not to be bawled out in tears, and whined from top to bottom and beginning to end.
Anyway, that was just a random thought. It's not so much pride as just a (possibly warped) sense of consideration, when I don't want to be needy and cling on to other people. Maybe that's simply a product of whatever's happened in my life, although I don't remember very many instances of being betrayed. I think there came a point (and that point came very early) when I just decided people were not going to be there forever, or that trust would not always be repaid in kind. And it's true; that's the way of the world.
So I am still very cynical sometimes, especially with regards to peoples' intentions. I mean, how could you not be, growing up as I did? Seeing people who sought friendship for something other than companionship, seeing how that matter might creep up with disconcerting frequency? I don't think, though, that I have ever wanted to run away from who I am....on that count, I think I am quite satisfied. Oh, maybe I should wish I were less of a misanthrope, but then again I don't think I am much of one; all is a show, a show, a show.
Describe yourself in a sentence: confused, with basically good intentions. (Which is not much unlike the rest of the human race).
***
Anyhow, it's Tuesday now, and next Thursday I shall be going. I feel so...unprepared, spiritually, to leave. I've been thinking about this the last two days, and the real issue is that I'm not listening hard enough. And maybe it doesn't have to happen now, instantaneously.
Maybe it won't happen, ever.
But how can I think that way? I mean, I guess I can hope and read and pray, but at the end of the day, it's not up to me to say what will happen, and what won't. Right now I could say, "maybe they will not let me go, etc. etc.", but I have realized a great part of being in his light is the letting go of such 'maybe's'. Does that make me less speculative, less analytical? Or rather, hampers my capacity for any of the two, since the basic incidence certainly dwindles?
But you see, I don't even feel I need to hold up that question anymore.
***
It's almost like, right now I am trying to look for answers to unformed questions. Not even inchoate, just questions that were previously nonexistent in my head. And maybe that's why I get discouraged sometimes, when they tell me a dimension of being that I feel myself incapable of reaching. I mean, I guess it was well enough for Tripp to say that day that that is our identity now, it is all about the Christian identity"; it is well enough for people to say that we need a perspective of His reign. And inside my heart, or my head, there suddenly goes about a flustered voice: "what? What? What does that mean? How can you wrap yourself in saran and give yourself away, when you are still here?" And I am still here.
Maybe that's why I'm still caught, sometimes, between the practical and the passive. I only know one thing which I can do, and yet it still seems inadequate; perhaps I am not enough focussed on it. But how long of my life should it take?
How much of my life should this be?
Do you see what I mean, then, when I say I am tussling? I am not secure enough in the passive, that I do not worry about the practical. Right now my heart is just all over the place, and it's strange, because there's no momentous event in my life to be punctuating holes in my faith.
But another real question: not where am I, but where is God? On Sunday, after everything was over, I wrote: "Where am I?" But how can I decide? How can I just, out of myself, summon the conviction to say: Hello! Here I am on this side of the fence! Where is my head and heart, in this interplay between myself and Jesus?
Because even the smallest of things requires me to do it. It's still me who has to put the relationship into focus. It's still myself who must want to talk, and even then maybe not have Him talk in return, not on the instant anyway. But yes, I will do these things....
( oh, and some stuff from yesterday..excuse the ramblings )
Jun. 23rd, 2009 @ 05:23 pm
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millefoglie's journal